Ever swear you have done something but then when you go back you realize you didn’t do it at all? This is the case with today’s review. I could have sworn I already took the time to review this movie but once I looked through the archives I realized that in fact I did not. Maybe it’s the fact I had voiced my disdain for the film so many times previously which confused me.

French nuclear tests have caused a creature to grow to an immense size. As the military calls in nuclear research, Nick Tatopoulos to investigate, the strange anomalies makes its easy to New York City. As Nick tries to dig into the mysteries behind the creature he runs into his past and discovers something about truly terrifying which could jeopardize the safety of the world.

Probably should try to start with the positive moments before ripping the movie apart. Jean Reno`s character is epic. Anytime that man has the opportunity to play a laid back bad ass is when he is truly in his element as an actor. Also Zilla`s (the rename he received when TOHO studios bought the rights for him)  design when not compared to a form of Godzilla is very distinct and memorable. That’s all I got now onto the bad.

Despite the re-branding he would later receive there is no escaping the fact this was supposed to be a Godzilla film. It was introduced and marketed as such and if you want to wear the crown of the King of the Monsters you better be ready to bear the weight it holds. Zilla couldn’t handle this weight as he crushed under it for not emphasizing the important facts with Godzilla: he is a force of nature and despite all our resources we as humans will be destroyed in the wake of his destruction. Zilla is killed by a few missiles as he gets tangled in a bridge and is dealt with pretty easily compared to any other incarnation of Godzilla.

For years I thought the main problem with this film was its treatment of Godzilla. That by stripping away his power, it diminished the monster and gave him less presence when he was on screen. This is not the case at all. After repeated viewings It finally dawned on me why this film is such a terrible experience. Its all because of Audrey Timmons. Audrey offers nothing to the overall story. She doesn’t help anyone but herself. She uses her closeness with her ex-boyfriend to get a scoop and then feels guilty about doing it. She does report in the moment about the nest and give Nick the recognition he deserves but she would have done that anyways as a reporter. She is given far too much of a pass for all the crap she pulls in this film.

There has been arguments that when watching the film without thinking of it as a Godzilla film helps to give it a bit more weight when watching the film just as a giant monster film. I really can’t agree with this theory. The movie is bad. It’s too long, poorly acted and scripted, and doesn’t hold up to repeat views. Even when it was with the help of the crew at Rifftrax this film is an obstacle to take on. At best I can recommend it as a movie you watch once for the experience of knowing how poorly Hollywood can adopt a property and then walk away entirely. It’s not worth more than one torturous ride.

RATING: D